I realize that this is a controversial topic that incites many different reactions, but it's a conversation that must be had. This decision, like all decisions you will need to make, should be an informed one - and if it is an informed decision, we at Crowning Lotus honor that. However, up until now it seems that circumcision is a procedure that most parents "just do". It is mostly done out of sight and out of mind, therefore most people have no real idea what it is or what the child endures as well as why they are even doing it. Considering these baby boys are having their genitals completely altered from their natural state it is reckless at best to not at least consider all of the risks and benefits before making this decision which will effect the child for the rest of their life - either way.
This is my story as a mother of two boys. I have one of each - cut and uncut. When I gave birth to my oldest I was barely 17 years old. I chose to circumcise simply because I believed it was supposed to be done and that he would be weird if I didn't. No one ever questioned me except for my grandfather who told me while I was pregnant that he was uncut and asked me if I was planning to have him cut. I think that since it was my grandfather it was easy to dismiss as weird....my grandfather penis has never been something I wanted to ask a lot of questions about. So, that was the extent of thought that I put into it. Because I gave birth alone (I was a single mother), there was no one that went with him through the procedure either. They simply came and took him off and returned him to me about an hour later with instructions on how to care for the cut. He was lethargic and not at all happy, but I cared for him and he healed without complication. I think it is important to mention that we never got a successful latch before they took him for the procedure and that after the circumcision he REALLY didn't like trying to. I ended up exclusively formula feeding him and felt extremely rejected by him. I ended up developing extreme PPD after that whole experience as well. I'm not saying that getting my child circumcised is the cause of all of this - there were many factors at play - but, I know that it did not "help" our situation.
My next son was born 12 years later in 2009. I was a doula now and much more educated and valued the importance of making informed decisions. Through my work and connections as a doula I had become aware of the "intactivist" movement and I was pretty sure I did not want to circumcise. However, my husband (and his friends) were not at all on the same page, or even willing to open the book. I began to realize that this was a sensitive subject for men...and it was easy to understand why. By saying that something is "wrong" with circumcision it is like saying something is wrong with their penis, they may even be offended by the suggestion that their parents made a reckless decision for them. It became clear to me that the conversation about circumcision was something that brought up a lot of emotion in men.
The discussions regarding this issue would get quite heated very quickly and if he did have a friend around I would instantly feel ganged up on. It's true that I don't know what it is like to be a boy - cut or uncut - but, does that mean I think that we should make such a huge decision for him without even looking at the information? That went against all my beliefs as a doula and mother, so I began doing my homework and invited my husband to do the same, letting him know that I would be happy to listen to any argument he had that was based on facts rather than emotion and "wanting him to look like you".
I began by asking around and started with a mutual friend of mine and my husbands. Our husbands were friends and I had known from a previous conversation with her that they had chosen not to circumcise their son. I decided to write her and inquire as to "why" as well as how the conversation with her husband had gone. She explained to me that when she was training as a nurse (or something), part of her job was to shadow circumcisions. She said that after witnessing what these babies go through first hand she swore right then and there that if she ever had a boy she would not put him through such a procedure - especially since it had no medical necessity. She also stated that the conversation with her husband was not easy, but that ultimately she knew that if the parents disagreed about the procedure in the hospital that they would not perform it by default. Eventually they found a middle ground on it and he did not get snipped and it ended up being no big deal. Her husband is on board with not circumcising 100% now and doesn't think anything looks "wrong" with his sons penis.
I kept talking to the people in my life - for the men, I started asking them if they were or weren't - and how they felt about it either way. For the women, I asked if they had ever been with a man who was uncut and wanted to know what they thought about it. What I found was that more of my men friends were uncut than I thought - and that the ones who were tended to be quite balanced in their masculine and feminine energies (meaning they were all really manly guys who still knew how to remain sensitive to and help tend to the needs and duties of the women). No woman that I spoke with had anything negative to say about men they had been with who were uncut - on the contrary - all of them told me that it was "better because there was more give". Now....this is just what I learned from talking to my friends/family. It was a personal study that gave me insights to the world immediately around me.....and, ultimately, all this information compelled me to learn as much as I could and to fight for my sons right to his foreskin...and ultimately his choice.
I learned much and did feel overwhelmed by the information available on the web, but I dug around. First of all, I wanted to learn what the function of the foreskin was, so I would know exactly what I would be "cutting" him short of (pun intended). I learned that the head of the penis was intended to be an internal organ and that removal of the skin around it would force the head of the penis to adapt as an external organ. That the foreskin was there to protect the head of the penis - keeping it safe, warm and clean, while also increasing sexual pleasure in both partners. So, knowing this (and knowing how obsessed we are with sexual pleasure and "bigger penises"), I had to wonder where this came from. Why would we be taking this away and then consciously or unconsciously begging for it back for the rest of our lives?
It became my understanding that Circumcision had been around for many ages. It is debatable where exactly it came from, but, it was initially used as a way to "purify" an individual or to identify them with their belief. Sex is/was seen as "dirty" and circumcision was said to help prevent sexual deviance and masturbation by taking away from the sensitivity of the penis (which it does). When it became obvious that sexual deviance and masturbation didn't seem to have a preference between cut and uncut men - the reason then was that it was simply "cleaner" to circumcise. However, with proper instruction and hygiene this simply isn't a concern. Girls also have extra skin and we teach them to properly care for themselves to avoid infection - which is far more frequent in girls anyways. There are studies that show that circumcision is a semi-effective way to help prevent infection or STD's as well as HPV - the leading cause of cervical cancer, ...but, again, with proper precautions that everyone should be using anyways it still doesn't seem like enough to justify the procedure. I have a very hard time believing that the answer to our STD issue is cutting skin off of the penis as a preventative measure, but that's a whole other article.
I understand that some people also do it for religious reasons, but, I wonder how many people actually dig into the history or true requirements of their own religion to fully understand this ritual, or if they are weighing the risks accordingly. There are plenty of passages within the bible which reflect the belief that circumcision is unnecessary and we're hearing more stories about babies contracting herpes from traditional Jewish circumcisions. Again, I am not at all trying to disrespect, just hoping to make you think and consider. This baby the article is linked to actually died - and death is sometimes a side effect of this choice. This is why I must shed light on this conversation and all of it's possible angles.
It is currently rare to find a doctor or pediatrician who will actually recommend the procedure as one that is medically necessary as a preventative measure, because it simply isn't and the statistics reflect this: In 2009 32.9% of babies WERE Circumcised. This is a number that continues to fall as insurance companies and states which provide medicaid are dropping coverage for the procedure. However, most people who choose to do it do it because of the belief that it's just "what you do" and no one seems to be really advising against it either - even though anywhere between 100-200 babies actually die annually in the US from circumcision related complication. So, most people - like myself the first time around - just allow it to happen without thinking much of it. This seems to be a quickly dying trend, however. Uncircumcised boys are currently the majority - therefore the argument with my husband over the whole "locker room" fear was bunk because by the time he is in high school it will already be the norm.
"I had it done and I'm fine" seemed to be all I kept hearing from a lot of men...but I kept thinking "just because YOU are "fine", that doesn't mean that something wont go wrong during another circumcision." Botched circumcisions are a reality babies and parents are living with EVERY DAY. There are cases of penises being completely severed off during circumcisions. Why take the risk....especially if it isn't necessary? It seems to me as though what we are REALLY doing here is perpetuating a cycle of abuse. "Because this happened to me, it should happen to you...".
Even knowing all of this, having all of this going through my mind all of the time, there was still a period of time where I felt that I was in a battle that I couldn't win - because I wasn't a man. My husband was so adamant about having the procedure done out of fear of ridicule and aesthetics, he was unwilling to listen to much of the research I had done and I began to feel myself giving in. I was pregnant and stressed out with all of it. I informed him that I may just tell them not to do it at the hospital, but began preparing myself for allowing the procedure to happen. I never wanted to take my husbands decision making say out of this, and I didn't like that we were fighting about it....and I didn't have a penis so I felt as though I had less of a right to speak on the matter. Then I decided that I should just watch one be done so I could be prepared for what my child might be going through - I figured that was only fair to him. I sought out a medical training video on the procedure and watched. It was very traumatic and effected me greatly - especially as someone who has been a vicitm of rape and molestation. The cries these babies are making are cries of pain, there is no way to deny that (as a matter of fact ALL pain studies conducted on circumcision in the US and Canada have come to an early end as a result of infant trauma.) The anesthetics take time to have a full effect, and they still do not take all of the pain away (which is obvious from these videos).
Instantly I felt very protective over my child and simply told my husband there was absolutely no way I would allow this to happen and that I would not listen to another word from him about it unless he sat down and watched that video himself. To my relief, he ultimately changed his mind as well and is now also in total support of keeping boys intact. It's actually pretty funny to hear him talk about it now because he often says the same things I used to say to him when making my case. It's good to know that he's proud of him and has no regrets what-so-ever about keeping him the way nature intended.
I do not "regret" getting my first son circumcised because I realize that I was completely uninformed and did the best I could with the situation I was given. I have learned and grown a lot from that, therefore there is no need for regret. I realize that I may piss some people off for writing this article, and maybe it's even unprofessional to write this within my business blog (I usually reserve such 'in your face honesty posts for my Gypsy Jewels Blog) - but - please understand that I strongly believe that this is something that deserves to be brought up and given a great deal of consideration to. Especially as a mother with very different experiences with both, I feel like I am given a unique point of view that can be valuable to others.
It is not my intention to make anyone feel bad for choices they have or will make for their baby boy, I respect ALL informed choices. My intention with this post is that it may inspire other people to really think about the decision to snip or not - to go into this with eyes wide open while considering all of the information. Maybe through our story a mother who feels strongly about this may be able to find her voice and speak up for her son - even if she feels resistance from her partner, or that a father may take a moment to really consider where his own emotions are at regarding this and examine that in regards to the decisions that they are making for their boy. No matter what you decide - know why you are making that choice. And, please, PLEASE go with your son and be with him through the procedure if you decide to go through with it - it's the least you can do. Talk to him, let him know you are there and that you love him....and prepare yourself for taking responsibility for what happens to him and how he feels about it now and in the future.
Other links and videos:
Circumcision Decision Maker - Still debating?? Answer these Q & A's to help you clarify what's right for your son.
David Chamberlain Ph.D. of the Association for Pre and Perinatal Psychology and Health and James W. Prescott, Ph.D. discusses the trauma associated with genital mutilation of infants.
Understanding the facts:
Craig Ferguson with Dr. Lisa Masterson
{She promotes circumcision and then admits openly that washing/caring for the penis is just as effective}
This guy recently got circumcised as an adult - he discusses his experience with the difference of sensation before and after the procedure. Part of what he says about it in the description:
"The burning question: How much sensation did you lose?
The burning answer: A WHOLE FREAKING LOT.
If I had known I was going to lose as much sensitivity as I did, I would not have gotten circumcised until it was a last resort. The old saying about the palm of your hand vs. the back is an understatement- the nerve endings in my foreskin gave me a completely different dimension of sensation, but now it's gone. Crap."
For me, my son was quite a bit older and I was just completely honest with him. I told him that I made that choice at the time with little knowledge or reason to, and that I was sorry, but that I had learned from it and that was why I had chosen not to cut his little brother. My youngest doesn't know the difference yet. He sees his father's penis from time to time and hasn't noticed any differences. We plan on just being very honest with him as well.
Posted by: juliea | 2013.04.25 at 10:58 AM
I am a mother of a circumcised boy. I plan on more children and if we have another boy I do NOT want to circumcise him (especially after watching the video). However, I am confused with how to talk about it if one is cut and the other uncut. Any advise out there?
Posted by: Diane | 2013.04.24 at 06:38 PM
Great post. I have one son who is circumcised and one intact. I do regret profoundly having my son circumcised, but I'm trying to ease my dissonance with what I've done with the type of mom/person I see myself as. I'm also wrestling with how I will make amends to my son who is young enough he doesn't know any different.
Thanks for letting me write that out, it's nice to know there are other parents out there dealing with this as well.I too hope to share my experiences and knowledge with other parents and eliminate future circumcisions.
Posted by: Jill | 2012.07.10 at 10:51 AM
I am a mom to boys 2 circumcised, one not. I didn't want to cut the first two (more a feeling than any knowledge I had), but went along with the decision of my husband. He used the "look like me" reasoning. I know, I know! But I didn't have the facts or support or experience. Our first 2 were hospital born and a very similar experience as yours. Our third was born at home and while researching and preparing for it I read and learn more about circumcision. I found support from a new group of awesome mamas and was able to educate my husband. Life is life and I do not regret anything I have done, you do the best with the tools you have at the time. Thankfully I know have the knowledge and I am able to share it with others. Hopefully they are effected enough to do more research.
Great article!
Posted by: Leslie W | 2012.06.01 at 09:42 AM
"No woman that I spoke with had anything negative to say about men they had been with who was uncut - on the contrary - all of them told me that it was "better because there was more give"."
There is a growing chorus of American women blogging and commenting to this effect. This is why male circumcision is also a woman's issue: it detracts from a woman's enjoyment of marital intimacy.
Posted by: roger desmoulins | 2012.05.31 at 06:00 PM
Finally watched and read the video...We found out we are having a boy this past Friday and I could barely breath while watching! Thank you for posting!!
Posted by: Stacy Beene | 2012.05.21 at 06:46 AM
Great Post! Thanks for sharing!!! :)
Posted by: Stephanie Butler | 2012.05.11 at 04:01 PM
GREAT post! Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Stephanie Butler | 2012.05.11 at 03:59 PM