We are in a war. It's not a war with guns or chemical weapons (so far) - but rather with opinion and judgement. For instance, when a mother sees another mother breastfeeding her baby (or not breastfeeding her baby) - her reaction is to her own internal self...not to that actual woman. She sees the woman breastfeed (or not) and chooses to be offended. She might even say something to or about that woman. "I can't believe she is (breast/bottle) feeding that baby." Where does that come from? Likely, it comes from the reflection she sees of her own choices by this other woman's mere existence. Maybe she didn't or couldn't breastfeed (or did, but, chose not to or didn't have the courage to breastfeed in public). Maybe she is an avid nurser and can't stand bottles. Either way, they are judging that woman not based on who she is or her particular circumstance, but, rather, what she is mirroring them to see within themselves. When we seek out people who choose what we choose, we're often seeking out our own validation.
This is just one example, but, we could throw out many - especially when it comes to how we choose to birth, feed and parent our children (but can also be applied to all areas of living and interaction - even with those closest to us). It's time that we stop and take a step back and ask ourselves where our reactions are coming from - how what we are seeing might actually be a reflection of something within US that needs examining. We need to understand that we will never truly know what it is like to be that other person, we don't know their full back story - their specific circumstance...but most of all, we don't know who we would be or what choices we would make if we were living their same life - so all "judgement" is a waste of energy (and opportunity to be compassionate). There is no right or wrong in life because we are all learning. Even those closest to us could never FULLY know what it is like to BE us, therefore, we're all just walking around with one angle on a multifaceted truth.
Isn't that so FREEING?! That you don't have to please anyone or take anything personally because ultimately it ISN'T personal?
As a doula, I get MANY women who instantly want to tell me their entire birth story as soon as they find out what I do, and many will say something like "Oh, I couldn't even try for a natural birth because of ___________." My very existence and their knowledge of what I do makes them feel the need to stick up for their cesarean, epidural, etc. I don't have to say anything at all regarding these things, they just assume that because I support, encourage and try to assist in natural births that I must be anti-intervention. I've learned to remove "myself" from these situations and recognize that she is speaking now to her reflection - not to "me". Before I learned this, it was easy to feel attacked, judged and even interrogated. Now, because I have removed myself, I can open my heart to her, meet her where she is at (not where I wish she was) and treat her with respect, tolerance and understanding. Instead of getting my panties in a wad and feeling defensive, I remain confidently rooted in who I am while showing her love and compassion because that is the reflection of myself I would like to see in her.
How can you relate to this? Are there people/issues that you carry judgements for - and, when examined in this way, how could what you are seeing in them/the situation be a reflection of something within YOU that you dislike or don't approve of? Do you feel invalidated when others choose or feel differently than you? On the flip side of that, have you ever felt judged by someone? Can you sit back and apply this theory and see that they potentially weren't talking to "you" at all?
Thanks so much. Very helpful post personally and professionally and AWESOME video! I have not heard Shylah Ray Sunshine before...
Posted by: Kelli | 2014.02.21 at 11:27 AM